Without warning, he texted her goodbye … and her world crumbled.
With a new mortgage, their second child on the way, and 23 years in the public service, the news that Aaron’s job had been “restructured” out of existence, felt like an arrow to the gut.
Sometimes events happen that seem so shocking we wonder how we can ever recover and go on. We lose someone close; our “normal” way life is suddenly threatened; a fire takes your house. Or it maybe a longer term issue - you feel isolated from society, like you never ever fit the mold, an outcast. Any number of stressor’s can impose upon our life and make us feel without a steady base, isolated, cast aside, under threat, stunned. We may feel shock, denial, anger and depression. We may recriminate over and over about what happened – but it can’t be changed. The future seems uncertain, so many “What if’s?”, so scary … It can be overwhelming.
Logic won’t fix this. It’s not like some work project where you look at the big picture, then break it down into stages, then achievable chunks and so on … Not yet. Its too big, and too daunting. We have no idea where we are headed. What can we do?
You have got to take care of you. You must remove the overload. You can’t deal with the big stuff right now!
Breathe, slowly, deeply. In, pause, then out, pause … repeat. Start with a minute, two minutes, then build to ten. Think of “No Thing” but that breath. And your mind will feel better, briefly … but it’s a start. Your brain needs some space where it can switch off, even for short periods, and not at the bottom of a wine bottle!
Now try “One Thing”. The highest paid executive in a large company, with a hundred things on her plate at any one time, knows that she can’t possibly deal with all those hundred things at once. It’s too much! So she simplifies it. She just deals with One Thing, the next thing, in this moment, one moment at a time. Can I do anything about this thing now? Yes – do it. No – leave it, something may occur to you later.
So do the same. Stay present, you can only deal with one moment at a time. The future takes care of itself, in the present moment, which is the only moment you can actually do anything about. Simplify your life.
You will still have your sad moments, you’re only human. Don’t beat yourself up about that. Allow yourself the time to feel it and allow yourself the space to heal. When it subsides put it to one side. Give your brain a break, think of No Thing again for a bit.
Some people need familiar things to occupy them, others need something new. So pour a coffee, go for a walk, make dinner, and just focus on that activity, one step at a time. If you need something new to aim for then make it unrelated, simple and healthy. For example, take a walk up the local hill twice this week (I used this one, it soon grew to daily and became a hugely therapeutic for me). The important thing is to stay in the here and now, with the activity.
If it all still seems too hard, get help, talk about it. Reach out to someone you trust. Just putting into words what you are feeling can help you rationalize what you are going through. Reaching out to another for help is not shameful. And there is always someone willing to help.
When the big stuff in life gets too much, simplify. Come back to the present. Focus on the breath, take in a view, the smell of a flower, waves at the beach … and think of No Thing while you witness it. Then when you’re ready just focus on the One Thing you can do now, the next thing. You will be calmer, and you will begin to heal, one moment at a time.